Introspective Sojourner

Today I watched a clip of the CEO of United Health Care get gunned down and had no emotions. It saddens me to realize how desensitized I’ve become.

Decades ago, while serving in the US Navy, I had to sign a document declaring that I did not participate in a number of things, so that I could get my clearance. I had never heard many of those words. I had to stop and ask what they meant. All of them were sexual deviations, I had no idea even existed. I was overwhelmed by the thought that someone out there participated in these, to the point that those getting a clearance had to sign a document stating they did not. I was disgusted and beside myself. My boss sent me home because I was useless at work. Now Hollywood glorifies many of these deviations in movies. They are commonplace. Our kids know what necromancy is. I had kids of my own and had never heard of that word.

Not long after the first Gulf War began. I worked in an intelligence center still. Our department head kept CNN on in the background of his office. As I was standing in his office without any of the trigger warnings, that are now common, CNN showed three hostages standing on a platform, and the platform dropping beneath their feet. I was horrified. For decades I refused to watch any news. My theory was that if something bad enough happened in the world, people would talk about it at work, or my husband would mention it. I didn’t need to subject myself to any of that being peddled by mainstream media. And for decades that was how I lived.

I would get frustrated when I would see a story on social media, where someone was being called a hero for common human decency. For example, a cop who stopped to help a kid put his chain back on his bicycle. Someone took a photo and extoled the virtues of that cop. It upset me that simple human decency was being elevated to hero status. Why hadn’t the person taking the photo stopped and helped this kid? How many people passed this kid by without helping him? Why are we okay with that kind of behavior? If you see someone in need, especially a child and you don’t stop to assist, why aren’t you being raked over the coals for this selfish and unkind behavior? Who set the bar that low?

I know I grew up in a different time and a small town. An excellent small town, I might add. But you would not have lived down walking passed a kid who needed help. That small town judgement would have followed you around for some time. “Oh he walked right by that kid that couldn’t get his bike chain back on and didn’t even stop to help…” The cop would not have been a hero, those who didn’t help would have had their reputations rightfully judged.

Where did this go? How have we become so desensitized to unkindness? When did we lower the bar so low that you don’t have to be a decent human anymore?

In today’s climate we live in constant states of fear and anger. Everything is politicized. We have rules for you but not for me. We celebrate when our side gets “away” with something, and the other side does not. “Good, they deserved that.” We laugh and make jokes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 100% included in this. I will laugh at dark humor with the best of them. My sarcasm is well tuned.

Perhaps my humor is a response to the constant fear and anger being shoved down our throats by the news and social media. The pandemic certainly did not help. It seems as if all of our nervous systems are in a constant state of fight or flight. We are so burned out that our burn-out is burned out.

God tells us over and over to “fear not”. The original sin was to not trust God and think that we know better. That God is holding out on us somehow. It’s really easy to fall right back in to trying to control everything, even when you just laid your problems at the foot of the cross. I just go pick those problems right back up and start to work on solving them again.

But today, I had no emotions – none – at the very real clip of someone being gunned down. No boss is sending a distraught me home.

And it breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that I’m not horrified. It breaks my heart that I’ve let so much garbage into my brain that my first reaction was, “It’s probably someone who lost a loved one to a denied claim.” Instant dismissal. Rules for them but not for us?

I don’t condone this. A life was lost. He was probably a husband, maybe a father, someone’s son.

What I really don’t condone is how hardened my heart has become. “Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Ps 51:10.  “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not unto your own understanding.” Prov 3:5. 

I’m not okay with my own reaction. I’m not okay with always being angry or afraid. I’m not okay that I justify actions I don’t condone, for any reason. I need that small town, 1960’s mentality back. At least I need it back in my heart. I guess I can’t consume any news, from any source, social media or mainstream. If something big happens, I’ll hear about it around the water cooler, or from my husband. It’s time that I am not in the know.

It’s time I just stepped away and delete my social media apps. Time to choose protecting my heart so it isn’t hardened.

By

Vicki L. Pugliese