Search

Introspective Sojourner

The journey inward following Christ’s path to that person I was uniquely created to be.

Open Search
Category

God’s Love

If I’d Asked For Help

I broke something that meant a lot to me today because I wouldn’t ask for help. Just a little two tiered serving dish. I could probably replace it inexpensively – except to me it’s so much more than a serving tray.

I was washing it and had not taken it apart when it was dry. I laid it on the counter, but I was afraid it would roll off accidentally. I tried to unscrew the pieces but it was wet and it just kept spinning. My husband was busy shoveling snow and even though at that exact moment he came into the kitchen, I didn’t want to bother him and so I didn’t ask for help. I knew I needed help and that it would have taken him a second and he wouldn’t have minded at all. But I didn’t want to bother him. There’s been a lot of snow here in Ohio lately and he’s worked very hard to keep things safe and snow free. And so my tray slipped and fell just an inch or two. But it chipped.

You may be thinking, it’s just a plate. But this little plate was given to me after Gramma Brown passed away. I was included in a family that is not technically my family to choose something to remind me of her. You see my own family does not include me, but my best friend’s family has always treated me like family. When I go home to visit, they are the first place I stop. My bestie has four adopted children legally but I’m really they’re first adopted kid. I was chosen, always included and always loved. They have been a lifeboat in the storms of my life. They are truly a gift from God to remind me that He also chose me. That I am adopted into His family as well. I know exactly what it feels like to be truly treated as family and wholly loved.

But this blog is about something more. I knew I needed to ask for help. I should have asked for help. Jerry would not have minded.

I was a single parent for several years and I needed help often. My nature is to do it myself and not ask for help, but single parenting is really hard. A Pastor of mine who was also a friend told me once that I needed to accept help, receive help or I was taking away someone else’s blessing. It’s a blessing to give. Most people are happy to help others in need, they just don’t exactly know how to help. I think that’s because most people are like me and they think they need to do it alone and they resist asking for help. They don’t even bother to ask. I’ve had several people come back later when I was thanking them for their help and let me know that they were happy to have been able to help. Thank you for that advice, Stephen Sloat.

Except I didn’t follow that advice this morning, and now my serving plate is chipped.

Christmas is a hectic time. You may find you need to ask for help. Maybe you just need a friend to vent to or maybe you need someone to shovel the mountain of snow Ohio left at your doorstep. I know it’s against our nature and that those who take and take and take have ruined the gift of giving for many of us. We don’t want to be a bother. We don’t want to impose. Our striving for self sufficiency hasn’t left any room for receiving that gift of assistance.

Life wasn’t meant to be lived alone. People actually do want to help. They probably would help and move on without it ever crossing their mind again. But life is so much richer and fuller and more connected when we live it together. When we reach out in need and when we see a need and reach out to help. That connection to others makes us feel whole.

God asks us to love like He loves us. Well, he has adopted us into His family. If we receive His gift in faith, we are His sons and daughters. We are part of the family. We are loved and whole together. Part of the greatest family of all time, actually. As your sibling, I’m telling you we’re happy to help. We are only an ask away. Don’t struggle. Don’t burn yourself out thinking you have to do it alone. God put us in your life for a reason. Don’t take away our blessing of helping you and loving you the way that God loves us. Everyone needs help once and a while. Leave room to receive it. Be open to the idea that God may have already sent your husband into the kitchen at the exact moment you needed him.

Don’t let your serving dish get chipped this Christmas. Reach out. We’re here.

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

Time to “Be”

My brain needed a break from all the things at lunch today. It was tired of the electronic screens and noise, so I took my lunch out on my deck.  It took my brain a few minutes to slow down. It was ready with the defense to “What are you doing?” with a reply of “Nothing”. It’s been a long dramatic week, and my brain needed some “nothing” – I thought.

 

I remember sitting on my Dad’s porch asking him that question and being too impatient to sit there quietly for very long before I determined I had things to do. But if things ever got too chaotic, the first thing my brain would want was to just go sit on his porch. I don’t think I realized what I was longing for.

 

As I sat on my deck, I felt the chaos and noise start to fade away. I had turned on the fountain and my brain keyed in on the soft sound of water falling. Then I noticed the warmth of the sun as it came out from behind a cloud. It’s a comfortable day. I could feel my body loving that vitamin D. There was a slight breeze, and I could hear a neighbor somewhere down the street mowing his lawn and kids playing. Happy laughing kids.

 

A morning dove started calling and then a cardinal. I guess there have been other times I did “nothing” where I identified the calls. A robin landed in the yard and sparrows and some big bugs came for a drink in my fountain. It hasn’t rained in a few days – they seemed happy for the fresh water. I took in the lushness of the trees and grass, and watched a squirrel run across a branch and jump from one tree to another.

 

There’s a lot going on in that “nothing”. I guess I hadn’t let my mind have space and time to realize just how much goes on in just a few minutes. My brain stopped trying to problem solve, and list make for all the things I would “do” later. It just started to let me “be”. 

I watched the clouds move slowly across the sky and remembered trying to find shapes in them as a child. I slowed down my eating and started noticing the individual flavors in my food that I normally “scarf” down so I can get back to “doing”. 

 

My dog poked her head out the doggie door and checked out what I was doing. She determined I was being boring, and pulled her head back inside. She came out to join me later.

 

I’m getting ready to retire and not having enough to “do” is a little scary. I think I’m ready for some time “being” though. Some time noticing all the wonderful blessings God has given me that I don’t pay attention to, like the singing of birds and how they get picky at the bird feeder and toss the less desirable seeds down to the ground. The squirrels and bunnies love that. They looked me right in my eye and tossed that stuff off. It makes me smile.

 

I have a whole new season of life coming up. No more lists or firefights at work. Nobody asking me how I’m planning on improving my skills or how they can communicate better. I no longer have a performance review to worry about not being perfect on, or where I have room to grow. I just get to “be”. All the fake drama of earning more for our shareholders – that’s gone. All the worries about how we’re doing this quarter, gone. The need to pick up the slack for coworkers who are falling behind, that’s gone. The need to mentor so that when I’m gone, they’ll be successful, those days are almost over. I’ve had a great work team though, and I will miss them.

 

It’s almost time for me to sit back and just be. Just be creative, or lazy, or learn something new, or volunteer to help serve, or to just spend some quality time binging a new series on Netflix with my favorite people. Will we travel, maybe. I hope so. Will we hike on green trails, visit waterfalls or sit on a beach? Definitely. Will we be at the zoo a lot, I’m sure we will. We love the zoo. Suddenly there’s time. Suddenly the chaos is a choice. Maybe it always has been, and I just chose unwisely.

 

But it’s almost time to really dig into that “nothing” and see how much fun “being” can be.

 

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

The Pruning of Me

Pruning my roses is cathartic for me. I love searching out the right spot to trim back to. I know that trimming the bushes will allow them to bloom again; fuller and stronger. I see the deep color of the new leaves. I see the thicker, heartier stems pushing through and hints of blooms to come. 

There are parallels to my life and faith. I’m not always happy when God prunes – especially when the decay goes deep. Things I’ve struggled with for a long time that I know need to be cleared away for me to grow. They are familiar and I get anxious when He says they have to go. 

I look at my childhood and see the blooms I once had. I miss them. 

“Remember when I prayed all the time and ran around singing hymns, God?” 

He tells me that He loved those blooms too, but to trust Him, the new blooms will be even better. I worry that my faith was stronger and might never be that way again. He reminds me that I needed that faith to survive the childhood ahead of me and the trauma I would go through.

I learned to go to Him at a very young age, afraid that everyone would abandon me. I would need to know to turn to Him and believe He would always be there even when my world shifted under me.  I would need that when my mom was institutionalized again. 

I learned to be grateful for my life and my wonderful friends. I have been blessed with the best friends my whole life. He shows me that I needed them to counteract the hate I experienced from my family. I needed their kind words to hear Him tell me that I was enough – that I was loveable. 

Now my faith is my own, not words of others that I believed without question. I have gone through deep seasons of doubt. My faith has been tested, and He has proven Himself faithful. I have so much to be grateful for. Even during my biggest struggles, He brought me joy. I know this without question now.

He is the author of the new growth in me. He created the new blossoms ready to bloom. I have had my share of pain – often at my own doing, avoiding the deepest cuts He needed to make. 

I find myself grateful tonight for the blooms that once were, now cut away. I see the beauty in them as they were at their peak. That beauty lets me trust in the promise of what God is yet to do in my life. I see the new leaves. I see the stronger stems. 

I’m sure there will still be whining about the cuts – after all I am still me. But I know I can trust Him because He sees the me He designed me to be.

 

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

All My Life You Have Been Faithful

All my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good.

‘Cause your goodness is running after, running after me.

From the Titusville Presbyterian church with the wall of organ pipes that are like the breath of God, where I first sang songs to you.

From the vacation Bible study somewhere in Cherrytree Pennsylvania where I learned the joy of singing of your love.

From the Hydetown Baptist church where Pastor Larry Hellein touched my heart, and I first came forward to your alter. Where I was baptized and pledged my life to you. Where a youth group strengthened my faith and Gordon Turk and Ken Jackson taught us your word. Where I sang my first solo and almost never sang another, that was so scary.

From the Free Methodist youth group that showed me everyone is accepted and loved.

Your goodness is running after, running after me.

From the Navy Chapel in bootcamp, to the one on Fort Meyers where I clung to what I knew.

From the Assembly of God church, and the boy’s God parent’s, Gary and Sharon Seifrit, who scooped up a broken little family and took them in and set us on a right path again.

From the Navy Chapel in Pearl Harbor and the choir that adopted a little single parent family. Where the officer’s women’s Bible study took in the one enlisted female looking for a morning Bible study and loved her so well. From the Navy Chapel’s choir and single’s group that helped me renew my faith. Where Pastor Stephen Sloat led and deepened my walk with you and looked out for a young me searching to be loved.

From a Pearl Harbor Sub Base Chapel and it’s choir that accepted and loved me and Jerry and started our walk with you.

Your goodness is running after, running after me.

From the Folsom Presbyterian Church that became Journey church, with Pastor Del Burnett who made Jerry and I part of a church family. With Pastor Keith Posehn who made Jerry and I youth group leaders and filled our lives with the joy of service, and the youth group kids who loved us as much as we loved them. From Pastor Toby Nelson who taught us Greek and “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us” Eph 3:20.  From Pastor Mike Umbenhaur and Pastor Dave Huusko who continued our faith journey at Journey church. And the choir we sang in so diligently. Learning how to sing with all our souls from Anne Indermill and Len Jones. Where Anne and Mark Indermill and Bob Surridge encouraged me to try another solo. That was probably my last.

While the prayers of a Bible Study with Marya Morgan, Ann Patchen, Yvonne Roe and Jan Williamse prayed for me constantly and loved me through the death of my father.

Where Journey church and Hope Church taught me that splitting a church is never a good idea, and my heart was broken, as half the people I loved chose to move away from the other half that I loved. Where my heart died a little more as members moved on to other cities and other states.

Your goodness is running after, running after me.

Where Sophie Agricola and Lee and Jen Stacy showed me, I could find another church family at Vintage Grace church. Where Pastor Drew Sodestrom rekindled my faith and gave me phrases like #ButGod #WithGod, “God’s better is better” that preserved me through a dark season of job loss and a pandemic. Where my faith became trust and seeking your face deeper than I had ever before. Where a Life Group sustained my daily walk with love, and hands that showed me your love in a very tangible way.

Your goodness is running after, running after me.

To Ohio and the Rivertree Massillon church and Pastor Jake Garmany who has continued our journey as we live closer to my family. To the Bible study led by Doug and Sonji Gregory who deepen my faith and give me a home to talk of your great love and amazing power.

And all my life you have been faithful. All my life you have been so so good. With every breath that I am able. I will sing of the goodness of God.

So many friends who I’ve met at church and work and school. You have filled my life from every corner. Through every season. My life is so full it is overflowing and I pray your love spills out of me to everyone you have brought me to love, and everyone who is in my life. From the stranger in line at a cash register to the best friend I could ever ask for Faith Thompson. To my faith journey partner Jerry Pugliese who encourages me and supports me and worships you with me. May your love spill over into their lives so that they might feel your presence as I have… all my life and into the lives of my children and grandchildren.

May the years I have left be more of the same. Thank you God. Thank you Jesus, I am so grateful for your goodness and love.

Oh Lord hear my prayers and worship.

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

He’s in the Whisper

“And after the fire there came a gentle whisper.” Do I wait long enough for the Lord? Do I know His voice? 

Elijah and Jezebel is one of my favorite stories in the Bible because God made him take a nap and have a snack. I relate so well with that. Elijah was weary. So weary that he wished for death. His fear had taken too much from him. God had a mission for him but first he had to travel 40 days and 40 nights. Then there was a storm so violent rocks were shattered. Then an earthquake and then a fire. After all that – God was in the whisper.

My life is filled with so much noise. I am an expert at life avoidance. I love a good Netflicks binge or movie marathon. I regularly doom scroll for the sake of my nervous system. I’m tired. I probably need a nap and a snack, and a good walk. What I don’t do enough is unplug and just wait for the whisper. Even in my devotions, I’m active. I read a plan in YouVersion and the Daily Refresh. I journal my prayers to God and use a playlist to help me worship. But this weekend I felt God pulling me to just sit quietly. I went outside and soaked in the sunshine and just waited. I gave my brain some time to listen for the whisper. I don’t do this enough. How can God lead me, if I don’t know His voice?

He reminded me of Elijah. I hadn’t read that story in a while. I was struck with how Elijah immediately knew the voice of God. Like when my kids or husband call. They don’t have to say who they are. I know their voice.

Over the years there have been many instances where I felt God’s leading. Being unable to sleep in the middle of the night and realizing I was being led to pray for someone. Then the next day finding out why and that waiting until that day would have been too late. Or feeling lead to cut something out of my life. Not something that I feel like we aren’t permitted to do but something that’s not for me.

Right now, I’m being warned off of yoga. Probably a controversial stance. If you don’t feel lead to not open that door, then you probably aren’t. But I know that those poses are Hindu poses to gods. I know that the sun salutations, warrior poses and lotus are all related to the Hindu faith. My spirit feels lead to not use that form of exercise to try and take back my health even though it’s probably what would first be recommended. I had always had any icky feeling whenever I’ve attended a yoga class. It’s not for me. I know it’s God’s voice telling me no and I am going to be obedient.

Everything that God has led me to cut out of my life, I have found great value in that choice. Every time it has brought me closer to Him in my walk. Sometimes I get mad at how slow I’m changing to become more like Christ. Why is it taking so long to change my heart? Maybe I’m still on the journey, or still in the storm. But I’m waiting and giving God space to lead me. I’m giving my heart time to hear His voice so that I know it. Maybe some day I’ll simply follow Him every step instead of wandering off. Knowing me that seems unlikely but you never know. God does amazing things.

But first I have to listen for His whisper.

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

SWIFT ENCOURAGEMENT

There are numerous posts and photos recently of Taylor Swift standing to encourage another artist at the Grammys. Words praising her generosity of encouragement, or doubting her sincerity are both easily found. It brought to mind a time when I sang a solo at family camp. As someone young, I was told I had a great “choir voice” but not a solo voice. I was always very timid about singing solos. That night there was this young mom with bright red hair standing in the center of the back of the room, clearly cheering me on. Later that evening she made time to encourage me and tell me she enjoyed my solo and song choice (Adonai by Avalon).

That was over twenty years ago. Just a few moments of her time and sincere words of encouragement still mean something to me. I don’t even recall her name, but I can see her face clearly. Could she have just been being nice, sure, but those words seemed sincere to me.

I wonder, how often do I withhold my encouragement because I’m afraid that person won’t care or it’s not important? How often do thoughts of praise run through my mind that I don’t speak? Did God give me a chance to show someone love, and fear kept me from following through?

That one act twenty years ago – is still a solid memory. It still makes me feel good. Did I withhold a memory like that from someone? If I had known it would make them feel good twenty years later, would I still withhold it if given the chance to say it again? I sure am quick to send out snarky remarks and what I think is funny observations. I’m lightening fast with the sarcasm and rarely have a filter.

Maybe I could encourage more. Maybe I could simply speak the encouraging thoughts I’m thinking instead of worrying if the person cares, or if someone else will judge me. Even if I think, perhaps they have a choir voice, but I see their effort and desire to do their best, maybe I could encourage anyway. I could funnel God’s love that I feel in that moment. I could make sure that person knows I see them. Whether that means nothing to them, or they still recall it fondly years later. That’s really up to God, isn’t it. I just need to say, “Here I am Lord, use me.”

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

God’s Mountain Biking Life

I’ve come to the conclusion, that life is a lot like mountain biking. Hills and valleys leading us from gorgeous mountaintops to treacherous valleys. The path often tree laden and rocky with very low visibility, while at other times gentle with expansive views.

Like a mountain range, our lives have highs and lows. One mountain top might be lower than the one before but located in a long deep valley. Perhaps we see a distant mountain as we’re walking on a long meandering path. It might have a steady gradual slope that is hard in ways we can’t quite put into words. While at other times we might climb rocky cliffs fraught with obstacles on our way to a peak above all others. Your mountain biking path might not resemble mine much at all.

I’m a fairly fearful person. My self-protection mode is strong. I watch in awe those who are missing the safety gene.  I envision people like Lee Stacy, flying down a mountain, leaning into the speed or feet out to experience the full adrenaline rush. He’s the kind of guy that is not afraid. He sees the valley but wants to get his momentum up to climb that next hill. He is fully aware that falling off that bike at that speed could break his kneecap (again). He’d be the first person to say, “What am I supposed to do? Not live?”

Meanwhile, I’ve already changed from pumping my breaks to walking my bike. I know I’m gonna have to drag that bike up the next hill, but I am not embracing the “it only hurts for a little while” mentality. I’m toying with the idea of abandoning that bike altogether. I might even camp-out on the slope, having given up in the moment. My mind having told me, we’ve gone far enough. Several passing mountain bikers later, I’ll start to wonder if I can make it a little further.

Lee and I would experience the path very differently. God designed us differently. We would each experience the mountain tops differently too. Me laying on my back trying not to die as I catch my breath, while Lee is already ready to take on that next hill. I would linger and weigh my choices while he would embrace the unknown. His journey encourages me. My insight might save him a tumble. He’s going to feel the experience and I’m going to intellectualize it.

But just like in life, I’m not supposed to compare my journey with his. God will give me what I need on that mountain top to sustain me through the valley. The struggles I go through will make me stronger, and over that next hill I might need that new strength. Or the rest I decided I needed might be my mountain top after all as I take in all the beauty and little touches God laid in my path to show me how much He loves me.

Jesus knows the path that lies ahead of me, and He knows me. I need only to trust that He planned the entire journey long ago. I don’t have to carry everything I need. I can let Him carry the burden. I can trust Him with the details and just enjoy the view. Whether we’re walking or flying down a hill, Jesus knew that’s what I needed right now. He’s the perfect travel guide and He knows exactly how to get me home. I just need to trust Him.

 

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

I Just Need Sunshine

“I just need sunshine, Lord”. The words had barely escaped my lips, as I sat on my sun porch, when the words of the next song “Remember Me” by Mark Schultz started up.

Remember Me. In a Bible cracked and faded by the years.
Remember Me. In a sanctuary filled with silent prayer.
And age to age and heart to heart, Bound by grace and peace.
Child of wonder, child of God. I’ve remembered you…
Remember me.

In a moment only God could design, the sunshine broke free from the clouds just as the words “Child of wonder” were sung. I did remember… many silent prayers in different sanctuaries. I had recently had my childhood Bible returned by my best friend; cracked and faded by many years. I have experienced more than my share of grace and peace.

Overwhelmed and touched so deeply by such a small moment, I felt all the love from all the little moments just like this. All the sunrises and sunsets that were little hugs from God when I needed them most. All the beauty of spring babies that brought me joy over the years – baby cows, baby horses, baby ducks. All the precious moments where my husband, kids, and grandkids have shown me how much I am loved and needed. All the laughter and fun spent with my most precious relationships. The myriad of friends who God has brought into my life exactly when I needed them. Words of encouragement that stuck with me for years to come.

One little timely window of sunshine and I’m placed back on my feet to continue my walk with God. How many of these moments have I forgotten? How many have I not even realized occurred? (That’s far more likely with me. I do miss a lot.) My life has been filled with stress, troubles, trauma, and pain but when I look back – at least this morning – I see all the grace and peace. What a beautiful tapestry my life has been. No tear has been wasted. No heartache has failed to soften me. 

I can’t even imagine a life with out my Lord. My heart hurts for those who don’t have this. I have people I pray for daily, that they would choose Christ or turn back to Him. I want desperately for them to know this grace and peace.

But this morning, I remember. I am grateful for such a God who cares this deeply for me.

By 

Vicki L. Pugliese

1

Wrapping Not Value

Today I was struggling, again, with seeing my worth. I get caught up in what I see. God helped me to see the difference between “wrapping” and the value of the gift inside. You see I am quite challenged at gift wrapping, but I don’t get upset about it because I know it doesn’t change the value of the gift inside. You can wrap poop in a beautiful box but it’s still poop. Likewise, you could wrap a beautiful and rare gemstone in a paper bag with duct tape to seal it, and that gemstone is still valuable.

Of course, my ADHD brain took off after that bunny.  I’ve seen people who put poop into composts. They probably add other good stuff but mostly they add time, and they add a little effort and pretty soon they have this rich healthy stuff that they add to their gardens. That compost becomes healthy dirt that enables strong new life to grow. If you add time and a little effort that dirt creates more life that creates more dirt. Eventually that dirt gets packed down and the pressure of life creates rocks. Given the right circumstances and the right ingredients those rocks become gemstones. If those gemstones are pulled out of the rock, and the rough edges are chiseled away, the rock becomes something even more beautiful and rare. And it becomes more valuable.

Conversely, if you put poop on top of more poop and you keep adding poop and you do not give it time, it becomes sewage. Sewage will infect the dirt around it and make it unclean and unsafe. It can contaminate the water making it unclean and unsafe. Even if you put that sewage in a gorgeous box, it’s still sewage.

I saw the connection to who I am as a person and that original box of poop. My actions sometimes stink. I’m not as kind as I should be. I think of myself first, and I judge others too harshly. Given time, especially if I fill that time with time spent in the word or in prayer, those actions – that sin becomes empathy. I start seeing those actions through a lens of how I’ve been hurt or hurt others. If that empathy is put in the right conditions, it becomes Godly action where I breathe His love into someone else, or perhaps stop adding new poop to the pile. That love infused into someone else, can become new life. Perhaps a seed or the water to bring them closer to seeing God. Until there are many seeds and watered seeds creating new life and growing life.

The pressure of everyday hardens us. It pushes us and molds us. As long as we are still infusing God’s love into our lives, we become stronger. We become the rock that things can be built on. We provide stability for God’s love to blossom. But until God chisel’s away our rough edges we’re just a rock with the potential of being a gem. If we fight that growth because sometimes it’s painful, we will never reach that full potential.

Life is often hard. It cheats and it doesn’t care that there is pain. When I look back on my life, some of the hardest most painful times in my life also contained some of my fondest memories. There are times that I didn’t think I could go on, and that moment created strength that I didn’t know I had. I don’t really remember any time that was free of some sort of drama or pain. I realize often sometimes that’s my own fault because I don’t always see the consequences of my choices before I make them. Still, I have no memories of life being perfect in every aspect.

Which brings me back to this morning, where I have a good job that I like with people I like working with. I have a great husband and fabulous kids and amazing grandkids that love me and fill my life with wonder. I have sweet pets that fill my life with unconditional love. I have a great home that brings me pleasure, and I can afford my bills and my indulgences. Yet this morning, I looked in the mirror and only saw the paper bag wrapping sealed with duct tape. I didn’t see the gem that God has been building in me. I, for a moment, forgot how content I am in life right now, because of that wrapping that I felt ashamed of. That wrapping that adds no value to who I am and does not take away from the gift God has been creating in me.

It’s taken time and reflection to get me to this place. You’ve probably seen my journey through these blogs. Today, I choose to see the gem God is creating in me and to give it time, and effort. I choose to let God chisel away at those rough edges and TRUST Him that the good work He is creating in me, is not finished. But it’s going to be amazing.

By Vicki L. Pugliese

0

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑